In Part 1 of this guide, I gave you some fun stats about singlehood in the U.S. and covered “Having a Robust Social Life While Choosing Singlehood.”
Here, Part 2 covers:
Navigating Family & Friend Relationships While Choosing Singlehood
Staying Mentally Fit While Choosing Singlehood
Navigating Family & Friend Relationships While Choosing Singlehood
You can't choose your family. But you can absolutely choose how you react to them.
Choosing singlehood can be especially hard if you have a family who:
Pressures you about being in a relationship and marrying
Doesn't consider you an adult until you're married (and for some families, until you have kids)
Does activities that make you feel left out if you don’t have a spouse or partner
Asks weird or uncomfortable questions or makes statements about your relationship status (like “How long do you plan to be single?” or “You focus too much on work… you can't meet someone that way!”)
So how do you handle these? For one…
Don't personalize these types of questions and comments.
Understand that they say more about the person asking or making them than they say about you.
Perhaps your prying aunt says these things because at your age her main life goal was to marry and have kids. Career aspirations weren’t on her radar.
Or perhaps your grandfather grew up in a very religious household where it would've been unthinkable to casually date and have sex outside of a marriage, let alone outside of a relationship.
It could very be the case that by making different choices in YOUR life, you're making others wish they'd made different choices in their own lives. Or that you’re reminding them of choices they didn't have at your age.
So please try to not take these things too personally.
Secondly…
You can take these comments and questions as an opportunity to practice healthy boundaries.
If you prefer not discussing your preference for singlehood or why you're currently unpartnered, you don't owe them an explanation.
If you do prefer to explain, a quick response can suffice:
Things have changed a lot since you were got married. Staying single is super common for my generation.
I like to keep my dating life private.
I'm really happy with my life as it is and don't want anything to mess that up.
Being in a relationship is not a priority for me.
I'm recovering from a toxic relationship and focused on healing right now.
I'm taking time to put myself first!
I'm taking time to put my kids first!
Or you can go the sarcastic route:
Single is the new black.
I won't die alone. I'll be surrounded by my fur babies.
I'm waiting until my 80s to marry. I'll know what I want by then.
Childless cat ladies rule the world thanks to Taylor Swift.
It could very be the case that by making different choices in YOUR life, you're making others wish they'd made different choices in their own lives.
Ironically, many family members won't understand that by choosing singlehood you may be helping to heal your family's legacy of toxic patterns like:
Marrying too young
Chronic and/or messy divorces
Reliance on marriage for one's purpose and identity
Reliance on marriage for financial stability
But if you've chosen singlehood and your family isn't understanding, don't spend energy trying to convince them why it's a healthy choice for you.
You can stand in your own power and surround yourself with those who respect and support your choices.
Which is where friends come in.
You can't choose your family but you can absolutely choose your “framily”.
Framily refers to your close-knit group of friends who are considered family even though they may not be blood relatives to you.
More than mere acquaintances or casual friends, your “framily” can play a huge role in keeping your mental health in top shape.
Of course, conflict can happen in these relationships too. But it may be easier to work through because you won't have the lifelong history and fixed roles that tend to happen in families.
Like that aunt that still sees you as an awkward 12 yr old because that's the last time she saw you.😩
As we get older our friendships are based more on stage than age. So finding friends who are in a similar stage of life as you can really help navigate singlehood.
This doesn't mean dump your friends who are partnered or married. But try to expand your network to include other single adults. They're more likely to become “framily” if you share similar joys and struggles.
For a deep dive into adult friendships, check out Platonic.
More than mere acquaintances or casual friends, your “framily” can play a huge role in keeping your mental health in top shape.
Staying Mentally Fit While Choosing Singlehood
Protecting your mental health is ALWAYS important but especially if you're going against societal norms and choosing singlehood.
Keep yourself positive and resilient to stress by prioritizing your physical health.
Your mind and body are not separate so there's no way to maintain good mental health while ignoring your physical health.
Find great health advice right here on Substack with these up and coming blogs:
Kool Health with
Mirrors, Signal, Blind Spot with
Carnivore Woman Secrets with
Also…
Consider adding spirituality to your life if you haven't already.
Spirituality is a personal belief system that connects you to something greater than yourself. It is not necessarily tied to a specific religion or belief system, but more about purpose, meaning, and your connection to a higher power, nature, or a universal force.
Spirituality has been proven by social science research to help people feel rooted and grounded, especially during times of stress, which leads to better mental health in the long run.
For yourself, incorporating spirituality in your life can help remind you that you are not alone even if you’re single.
You are part of the larger family of living beings and a part of the universal life force.
It can remind you of the difference between being alone and feeling lonely which you don’t have to feel during singlehood.
Another way to stay mentally fit while single is talk therapy with a professional counselor.
It can help you work through the challenges of singlehood in a safe and non-judgmental space.
If you're open to group therapy, you can also connect to others in a similar life stage. Depending on where you live, you may find therapy groups for:
Single adults
Divorcees
Widows
Relationship trauma survivors
If you want to take a deep dive into what the social science research shows about staying positive and resilient (broadly speaking, not just while single), check out this essential happiness research:
What the Longest Study on Human Happiness Found Is the Key to a Good Life
The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons from the World’s Happiest People
Comments are encouraged here!
Have you found good ways to navigate and nurture your friend and family relationships while single? Do you have single “framily” members?
How do you keep yourself mentally healthy while single?
Look out for Part 3 of this series on “Dating While Choosing Singlehood” and “Financial & Legal Considerations of Singlehood.”
A few years ago at our family reunion my reply to 'you ain't married yet???'was, "all my time is my own and I really like it that way." I admit I stole that from Tracee Ellis Ross. I am extremely happy being single and wish everyone this kind of joy and peace.
You're a terrific writer, Dr. April. I loved this post. I have a question: what's your opinion of people on dating apps who put in their profile that they're only looking for friends even though they also describe the kind of partner they're looking for? It strikes me as disingenuous, but maybe I'm missing something. Why not just say something like, "I'm looking to get to know each other slowly, under no pressure, and see if any chemistry develops?" P.S. Thanks so much for the shoutout!